Why It’s Important to Express Your Needs

While food, water and shelter are the most important of basic needs, they’re not ALL we need to live a happy and fulfilled life. Running alongside these needs, are our emotional needs – a topic that doesn’t get nearly enough attention, but makes all the difference when it’s out of balance.

Though we all have them, everyone has their own unique set of emotional needs. The differences may come to be because of our upbringing, our culture, our genetic predisposition, our sense of identity, our current phase of life or age, and many other individual factors.

An important aspect of effective communication is learning how to express our needs. But in order to learn how to express our needs, first we need to understand them.

So what are emotional needs?

• Respect – being treated with kindness and courtesy.
• Acceptance – feelings, opinions and ideas can be shared safely and are valued.
• Importance – feeling appreciated and useful, that you have a purpose.
• Security – feeling safe and cared for.
• Inclusion – feeling connected to others and being part of something meaningful.

But is it really worth the effort?

While it can feel scary, it is important to express how you feel. The reason is simple – how would the other person know your dissatisfaction unless you tell them?

Many say in couples’ sessions – ‘they SHOULD know what I need’ but I remind my clients that no one knows another’s needs unless they are told, and assumptions are dangerous. When needs are unfulfilled in a relationship of any kind (family, romantic, friendship etc), conflicts arise which causes tension and stress.

Unmet needs can lead to feelings of resentment, anger, confusion, disappointment, frustration, hopelessness, irritation, sadness, loneliness and embarrassment. In some cases, these strong emotions will have a physiological effect on your wellbeing and can cause poor health outcomes.

Having a conversation with your loved one is a sign that you care and respect them – if you weren’t interested in making things work, you wouldn’t bother bringing it up.

Those feelings of fear are completely valid because it requires you to be vulnerable. But this will be one of the most valuable conversations you’ll ever have in your life! A great learning experience for both of you, and you may even just end up having the best connection in the world after opening up and saying what you want.

How to bring things up?

It is important to be authentic and express your feelings constructively. Try not to ‘blame’ but instead express how you feel personally, for example – I feel angry when you do this…

Doing this builds meaningful communication, and openly sharing your thoughts and feelings goes a long way toward building relationships based on trust and respect.  For more info check out our other blog about tips for communicating awesomely

Create a safe space where you can both speak uninterrupted (without phones or TV). You could even schedule in a ‘chat’, and have one person speak at a time.

So what next….?

If you need some support with identifying your needs (because we don’t always know), communication, expressing what you want, or even meeting your loved one’s needs, give us a call and book in a session. We can offer a whole menu of tips and tools on how to manage this in a healthy way.